For as long as I can remember the emotion I felt most often was fear. I used to tell myself, I feel like a scared bunny rabbit. I’m not sure why I thought of a rabbit but…who knows what goes on in my crazy head sometimes.
When I was diagnosed with cancer several years ago that fear changed to anger. Back then, anger served me well in that, I felt empowered to not let cancer beat me. In my opinion. fear equates to feeling a victim and anger is more warrior.
Now that I am pretty much back to normal, except for some issues relating to the treatments, I am hoping to feel peace. That is probably one of the reasons I am drawn to Buddhism. Meditation helps me in that area but anger still shows up…especially when I think someone is acting mean to another sentient being. I don’t like seeing anyone or anything being wronged or bullied.
Lately, I am reading and listening to spiritual teachers (one of them, Gabrielle Bernstein, author of “Spirit Junkie.”) They choose love over anger. I am working on that but I admit, its hard for me. I picture myself punching the perpetrator in the head and I know that isn’t very Buddhist or spiritual.
My number one goal is to be happy and I am, for the most part, it’s just sometimes, some asshole pisses me off and there goes my happiness. Many spiritual teachers say there are no mean people, only people who do some mean stuff. I have a hard time seeing all people as loving beings who just make mistakes. Couldn’t there be some people who are just plain mean and hateful? I don’t know the answer to that so I will meditate on that idea longer…