There was a time I thought I would attend a weekend silent meditation retreat. I had read many personal stories from people who did and it sounded so good. Many had breakthroughs in their spiritual journey and it strengthened their Buddhist practice.
Ever since I got home from the hospital August 6th, I have experienced my own little retreat of sorts, minus the silence part. I’m home alone for 10 hours a day because hubby still has to work even though I am, not bed ridden, still confined to my bedroom while my hip heals. He fixes me a cooler of snacks to munch on daily and I have a lovely bedside potty to relieve myself. My doggies are here with me and I have access to the outside world via the Internet. My situation isn’t even close to a silent retreat but it gives me insight as to how I would handle participating in one. It turns out, not very well. Forget about taming my monkey mind, the isolation and not being able to get around like I did a few weeks ago, makes me anxious. There is a large tree outside my bedroom window I look at, so I am grateful for that.
I meditate a couple of times a day, one is a guided meditation to heal my body. I have a favorite television show. Frasier,” that I watch a couple of times a day. It’s my comfort TV show. My PT comes twice a week, so I am doing the exercises she gives me throughout the day. Then there’s social media I check in with, along with online articles relating to Buddhism, spirituality and nutrition. I take a nap as well. There’s stuff to keep me occupied, none of which I would do at a retreat, and I’m still a bit batty from the isolation. It’s weird though because I was home alone the same amount of time before the coffee table incident. I live in a rural area. My neighbors aren’t close by and even if they were, we don’t have anything in common to chat about. The difference is, I could go outside, take my dogs for a short walk, feed them and once a week drive myself to town. All that has temporarily stopped. I am now dependent on hubby to do everything I used to do while he was working and that bugs me. I want my life back. .
So, I guess I have two things going on here; the boredom and impatience that I’m not back to my normal routine. My brain says “let’s go” and my hip says “not-so-fast.” I have no control over when my bone heals but I can do the exercises and remain positive.
My life as it is right now has shown me that there are limitations to my Buddhist practice and that’s OK. No silent retreats for me.