I Have a Temper

One of my “triggers” is to be accused of something I did not do. When it happens I see red and I come out swinging. The other day a former neighbor left me a nasty message on my voicemail accusing me of something I did not do. I call him a former neighbor because he was in a serious accident a few months ago and will be gone at least a year rehabbing. He left me his house key in case there was an emergency at his house. Looking back, that was my first mistake.

After listening to the voicemail message, I called the neighbor back and unleashed my fury that included every cuss word I could think of. Like, I wrote earlier, I come out swinging. Twenty minutes after he hung up on me, the sheriff showed up at his house. I saw him and went down to give him the key… and my side of the story.

Later that afternoon, I was still angry, but not as much. I was more disappointed at myself for allowing myself to get drawn into my neighbor’s drama. I wished I had handled it differently, not that I wanted to show him love and compassion while he was being such an ass. I would have liked showing myself love and compassion for not getting so upset. I read somewhere that it can take the body three hours to recover from an angry outburst. My body deserves better treatment.

I also know I cannot control another person’s behavior, even one who is wrongly accusing me of something, but I can control how I react… and that time, I did not react well.

Sometimes, this compassion thing is hard as hell to put in to action.

Namaste,

ingebird

Working on Detachment and Forgiveness

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I’ve limited my social media time to almost none these past few days. The TV has been off too. Since I have special needs pets I can’t spend time at a real retreat, I decided to make my home a retreat. I spend 8-10 hours a day in silence, meditating and making some art. I am hoping to get rid of anger that seems to simmer most of the day. For years fear has been my main emotion and its now switched to anger.

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I am hoping to use the quiet time to process my feelings and then let them go. I know anger is bad for me and holding on to it will eventually manifest in to physical illness.

I am working on forgiveness. The issues I am angry about are beyond my control so I am working on letting that shit go too. My Buddhist teachings tell me to remain detached to what ever is going on. That’s a hard lesson for me. I understand it intellectually but practicing it is another matter. I will keep trying.

What I’ve gotten so far from my meditation is to look at what’s going on in my life as an opportunity to make a change. It’s a sign from the Universe that its time to move on and do what my heart has wanted to do for years. Instead of wallowing in negativity I want to brain storm how to turn my life desire in to my reality. It’s still a work-in-progress…

p.s. Who am I kidding? I would never make it an entire weekend at a meditation retreat without talking, and having to sit in silence for hours on end. I’d end up running through the woods screaming before day 1 was even over! I’m better off staying in my own environment.

Namaste,

ingebird

Anger, Insight and the Full Moon in Capricorn

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Tonight is the full moon in Capricorn . Normally I don’t feel stronger emotions, good or bad during this time, or maybe I do and I don’t realize it? I’ll have to keep track of that for future reference. Yesterday I had a meltdown. I allowed myself to get so angry I gave myself a headache and then couldn’t sleep. I won’t go into the gory details about what set me off, but it involved a couple of humans who are purposely taking advantage of a loved one… and breaking the law. I am a protective mama bear. It’s part of who I am and I don’t intend to change that.  Apparently these 2 have been doing this for a few months now and my loved one was afraid to confide in me because I would blow up. He knows me so well!

This morning I woke up and tried to meditate myself back into a positive, happy place. It didn’t work so I went to one of the online groups I belong to, and the first post I read, asked if anyone else was feeling funky today. She attributed the funkiness to the full moon. As I read other member comments, a light bulb went off in my head. My anger turned into clarity.  Yes, the moon might have intensified my anger and at the same time it helped bring things to light that I may have otherwise missed.

My loved one and I have been wanting a change. A big lifestyle change and if it weren’t for the bad behavior of these 2 people, we might have postponed it for who knows how long. We aren’t getting any younger and we’ve had this dream for many years; always talking about it but not doing anything to make it happen.

The full moon in Capricorn is all about change and taking calculated risks. It’s about going after your dreams and not looking back.

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I’ve been working hard to not get so angry about things I can’t control, but this time I just went with it. Maybe if I had kept my cool and said, “Let karma be their punishment,” we would have just gone back to our daily lives, continuing to put our dream on hold. My reaction was the catalyst that motivated us to actively pursue it.  Today we started the process of networking and researching how to get it done… and for that, I thank the Universe for the lesson.

The full moon is about letting go, so this time our intention is to let go of our old life and make room for the new.

This video showed up in my “what to watch” YouTube list. It is no coincidence.

(Honoring Mother Earth Meditation)

 

What I first thought was a bad thing turns out to be a good thing, however, when the dust settles, those 2 will be dealt with. They will be held accountable for their actions.

In the meantime we will focus on our new life.

Namaste,
ingebird

Dealing with Anger

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For as long as I can remember the emotion I felt most often was fear. I used to tell myself, I feel like a scared bunny rabbit. I’m not sure why I thought of a rabbit but…who knows what goes on in my crazy head sometimes.

When I was diagnosed with cancer several years ago that fear changed to anger. Back then, anger served me well in that, I felt empowered to not let cancer beat me. In my opinion. fear equates to feeling a victim and anger is more warrior.

Now that I am pretty much back to normal, except for some issues relating to the treatments, I am hoping to feel peace. That is probably one of the reasons I am drawn to Buddhism. Meditation helps me in that area but anger still shows up…especially when I think someone is acting mean to another sentient being. I don’t like seeing anyone or anything being wronged or bullied.

Lately, I am reading and listening to spiritual teachers (one of them, Gabrielle Bernstein, author of “Spirit Junkie.”) They choose love over anger. I am working on that but I admit, its hard for me. I picture myself punching the perpetrator in the head and I know that isn’t very Buddhist or spiritual.

My number one goal is to be happy and I am, for the most part, it’s just sometimes, some asshole pisses me off and there goes my happiness. Many spiritual teachers say there are no mean people, only people who do some mean stuff. I have a hard time seeing all people as loving beings who just make mistakes. Couldn’t there be some people who are just plain mean and hateful? I don’t know the answer to that so I will meditate on that idea longer…

Namaste,

ingebird

Dealing with Anger

I started this blog to help me incorporate my Buddhist practice into my daily life which can be challenging at times, especially when dealing with other people. Last night was definitely one of those times.

Hubby came home from work at a neighborhood dog kennel his usual time, only this time he showed up with cuts around his eye that was swelling shut … and a torn shirt. At first I thought one of the large dogs jumped up on him, until he admitted that he was attacked by five teenage boys while he working. They intended to rob him and when they found out he didn’t have money, they decided to beat and kick him instead.

It didn’t even take seconds for the severity of the attack to sink in. My blood pressure shot up and I was beyond angry. The sheriff came to our house to take a report and hubby went to urgent care to have his injuries cared for. Luckily his wounds will heal.

I am still pissed off about what happened. I tried several times since last night to meditate, and  to be thankful that his injuries weren’t worse, but I kept asking myself these questions.

Why do these kids (punks) think robbing and hurting people is ok?
Don’t their parents know what their kids are doing?

Hubby didn’t go down without a fight. He punched one of the teens several times. I hoped (and still do) that hubby knocked out one of his front teeth; a nice reminder of what happens to delinquents that pick on the wrong person.

If he did get some bruises, how will he explain them to his parents?
Will they even notice?

I know all these thoughts are my ego trying to make sense out of this, but its times like these where I have trouble feeling compassion for someone who clearly has no compassion. How many times have I read about other teens committing similar crimes, only to hear their defense team claim that they live in abusive homes, their parents are druggies and blah, blah, blah.

I get it that not everyone has parents that give a shit about them. My mother was an abusive alcoholic but I didn’t grow up robbing or attacking people. Playing the victim card to justify bad behavior never sits well with me. I am a firm believer in personal responsibility.

A parent’s number one job is to raise their kids. I don’t care if they have to work. I don’t care if the kid is growing up in a lower-income household. There are plenty of families that are poor and you don’t see their kids running the streets at night (hubby was attacked at 9:40 p.m.). If the parents can’t be home to take care of their kids, they can find someone to look out for them. I was a single mom until my son was 10 years old. I enrolled him in after school care to make sure he wasn’t left alone, getting in to trouble.

None of the Five Precepts mention anger, so I can at least say I haven’t broken them, but I know the Dali Lama and Alan Watts have plenty to say about holding on to anger. Wouldn’t they be pissed that their loved one was clobbered? I am sure they would. It’s always easier to talk about doing something hypothetically but when “it” actually happens… boom! The ego takes over! We are human after all.

I am working on letting go of what happened. Writing about it hopefully will help. Staying angry is not good for my health and I know chances are slim that the teens will be caught. Hubby probably wasn’t their first victim … or their last. Eventually their luck will run out and they will end up a guest in the prison system or worse.

Namaste,

ingebird